And The Wounds Cried Lethal Tears

04:53 pm - .R.I.P. To Anna, One Of The Most Inspirational Women I've Ever Known...

...Anna Lee Frey Hunter is the Aunt of Josh and Gracie and the identical twin sister of my Second Mommy, Josh's Mom.  Anna was truly an inspiration to me and her mark in my Life will remain with me forever.  This is truley a terrible loss of such a Gogeous, talented, musical theatre Star.  She was a wonderful sister, Aunt, wife, and Friend.  Her and her husband, Rocky, were hit by a fucking drunk driver while they were on their motorcycle in Georgia.  ANd don't you know, he's fine, and his girlfriend who was the passenger in his car in now in a coma, and he got off fine, just walked out of the motherucking hospital.  ButI can't believe that Anna's gone.  But on the other side they are welcoming her and her husband into Paradise.

But you know what is really bothering me?  How could the God, Goddess, Fate, The Universe, Karma, ect. let such an amazing person die in such a random, careless, terrible fashion?  At least they didn't see it coming; at least they weren't in any Pain.  But WHY, my Faith is asking my Heart and Mind and Soul- WHY would any higher power let terrible, horrible, disgusting people walk around without a scratch while one of the most amazing people in the World with so much talent and joy just...Die?  But  As my Mommy said, and I had thought before she'd said it, ..."God must have needed a very special Angel."  That's what's keeping my Faith. 

.R.I.P. Anna Hunter.  I'll never forget your inspiration on my Life.  YOu were like an Aunt to me, too.  No tears can express my mourning for knowing I'll never sing "Grandfather Clock" with you and Alice, I'll never hear your Gorgeous voice again, I'll never see you light-up a room with your golden hair and radiant smile.  You'll be with us always.  We all Love you.  I Love you, and I'll miss you something terrible.  Rest In Peace.

Gandfather's clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It First struck on the Morn of the Ee that he was Born,
And was alway his Joy and his Pride.

But it stopped short
Never to work again
When the Old Man Died.
Ninety years without slumbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
His life seconds numbering,
Tick, tock, tick, tock,
It stopped short
Never to work again
When the Old Man Died.







.R.I.P.  <333

 

Current Mood: sad

08:36 am - Last Night Was LIke A Bloody, Grimilin Orgy In Muh Brain!!...

...But anyone who's anyone knows my room, and there are probably Grimilins in there, anyways.  lol

But my God, the COLORSSSS.



Sometimes my worst fear is myself.  My own strength, my own needs, and whatever else is eating away inside of me.  Mabye that's why leaving Home for a bit is starting to scare me- mabye I'm afraid that things will have changed too dramatically while I'm gone like they did the last time, or that I'll get manic and have no Momma to rant to.  My mind's been in a Wicked Place lately, and there's only 2 more days here to make a menz with my own being.  

I got some of my pictures back, though, through e-mail.

   



Just a preview.  Did all my own makeup.  My photographer and I get along really well, which is a good thing, so I think a bit of what we both wanted came-out.  I'm Starting to earn myself job oppritunities now, though I'm sketchy on which ones to take.  That's probably a good thing, though.  

Haters can hate on my pics all they want to, though I've heard not a negative word yet, but it is petty and meaningless and not worth my time to hear.  I worked hard to be able to do what I do and am trying to learn to do better and everyone else can just fuck off.  Modeling isn't just standing there, looking pretty.  It's ART.  And a Bloody good thing to learn, to boot!

Current Mood: groggy

05:11 pm - Black Flowers Blossom; Feathers On My Breath...

... Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Feathers on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Feathers on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Feathers on my breath

You're Stumbling a little




Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I am anymore.  Everything inside of me is screaming for release; an Escape from these eyes that see nothing but rage: from this mind that is so utterly disgusted with humanity.  I miss the speck of Innocence I used to recognize in people, and I miss my own Innocence.  But everybody lies, everyone's first instinct is to save their own asses, and everyone wants to hurt and control everybody else.  I want to see Justice, I want to see Freedom.  I want to see Love without side-affects.  There may be such a thing, but I don't know if I'd recognize it.  I want to know people who know what they want and don't mind going for it.  I want to see pure, controlled WANT set behind a purpose of Faith, Love, Freedom, and Justice, not money, reckless power, and self-destruction.

I want that NEED to do something more to break through in a cascade of pure abandon.

I want to be more than what's expected.  I want to go beyond proving the norm. of myself wrong; I want to know my Life is in MY OWN hands.  I want to see faces flush and drop at the Beautiful and Terrible things I will do, and laugh at my opposition.  The Gods took away these things for a reason: You can't be held back by unrational pining and want of something you are disgusted by.





Ireland will be good for me.  I need to know people are different in other places.  I need to know there's more than this.  I need Paul and his natural goodheartedness.  I need to escape.  I need to run away.  I'm counting down. 

Current Mood: indescribable

01:26 pm - Heaven Has Burst Open; Now It's Raining Bones...

...I'm absolutely disgusted.  I don't know what's worse, fucking hating someone, being overly attached to someone, or simply being disgusted by them.  I've realized lately that in the past couple od months I turned into a fucking Bitch, and I don't know how much I even fucking care anymore.  I feel more violent than I've ever felt and considering MY past, that's fucking saying something.  I finally realized how disgustingly, gut-wrenchingly Petty people can be, and I refuse to long after a Life of THAT MUCH nonsense.  I'd be a completely different person if I hadn't been fucked over so many times, and that probably pisses me off more than anything else.  I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm predatory, and I really don't think I should be around people right now.






I think I'm disgusted with myself for ever thinking the world wasn't like that. 

Current Mood: predatory

01:33 am - I WANT YOU TO FUCK OFF AS HARD AS YOU CAN...

...Last time was the last time.
This time, you're 100% FUCKED.



Happy Fucking Fourth Of July.
Woah Woah Fireworks!

Current Mood: predatory

10:54 am - Donald Trump's Okay, But I Was Really Going For More Of A Black Dahlia Look, lol...

 ...Daddy's Little Cannibal/Photoshootingtons.

...Yesterday was a lot of fun for me. I went and got my hair done, it's dark violet purple and a bit shorter. Then Leesa spent foreverrrrr making sure my finger-curl type hair-do looked great, which was good, because it did when, hours later, I went to Ruby's for a 20's Flapper-type photoshoot. It was such a good shoot. She's really great to work with and have conversations with, too, not to meantion she's a great photographer. She tends to capture the moments right before you think she's going to so the pictures tend to seem a lot more real. It was also easy to take direction from her; I was really happy at how comfortable I was with her and her assistant, Nikki. Eventually, we ended up doing some crazy, warped, twisted shit with my body and the concept of what we were doing, and it all flowed nicely. I can't wait to see those photos! lol I'm meeting with her again today. I'm really happy I found her, and I'm really excited about today.



But anyways...Her assistant I suppose heard me humming a Jack Off Jill song or something like that, I tihnk I was humming "Horrible," and she starts telling me about the THREE TIMES SHE SAW THEM and the one time she met Jessicka and kissed her in a picture! I could have just died right there. So, of course, we start talking merch. and she just happened to have the only one shirt I never got that they put out and just happened to have it in my size and let me buy it off of her! Yeah...my day was pretty fucking dank...




On another note, I'm happy I've got modeling to take my mind off of shit.  I am not all that fucking happy with anything but that. 

"she has eyes closed
she has fevered
as her hands flick
cross her stomach
she is dreaming
she is breathless
as her sweat beads
on her forehead

simon's sleeping on the floor;
what's she dreaming?
simon's sleeping on the floor;
what's she dreaming?
simon watches eyelids as projections flicker there-
i don't wanna wake her but her whispers sort of scaring
me"

 

Current Mood: hot

04:14 pm - So, I got my "Official" diploma today!!!(A little rant)...

 ...Which means that I'm "'Officially" free.





It's kind of a bittersweet feeling, not because I'm not totally stoked to be free of that shit, but because so much changed my Life while I was in Skool, obviously, and it makes me think back on all of the things I did, all the things I learned, friends I made, friends I've lost, things I lost, things I experienced, parties I went to...ect. You know, it makes you remember and almost relive all of the mistakes that you made, but the sweet part of the bittersweetness is that I know things turned out the way they do, as always, for a reason, and it makes me less regretful, and more greatful. Grateful that I met who I met and learned what I learned and did what I did, everything, because it made me who I am today. Time is precious.



I think everyone who feels like I do about this kind of transition can agree with this...I've actully been singing it for the past two days, and even if you all think it's gay, I'm actully getting really good at it, lol...



...Oh, mirror in the sky,
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you.


But time makes you bolder,
Children get older,
I'm getting older too...

-Fleetwood Mac

Current Mood: contemplative

10:52 am - Slipping, Slipping, Slipping Away...

...I just graduated with a 4.0.  I'm moving out soon.  I get to see Paul this summer.  EVerything should be fine and dandy.

But I feel like a Shell.  Like an empty, empty Shell.  I don't even feel like a Bitch so much as I just feel numb to pretty much everything.  I don't feel the same way about people, I don't even think that I feel the same way about myself.  I don't like or dislike.  I hate but I don't remember Love.  I drink the pain away but I never get wasted enough to make the pain any less.  It's hard to cry, it's hard to sleep.  Food tastes like nothing to me and it's hard to eat.  I don't want pity.  I don't want pity.  I don't want pity.  

I just don't want to be the only one to know that I feel like this.

How is it that I've gained so much but I feel like I've lost everything?

If I'm "so great and Gorgeous," then why do I feel so alone?



What's wrong with me? 

Current Mood: discontent

08:18 pm - You Used To Be One Of The Rotten Ones And I Liked You For That...

...You Used To Be One Of The Rotten Ones 
And I Liked You For That
Now you're all gone
got you makeup on
and you're not coming back.

Bleachin' your teeth, smiling flash
Talking trash, under your breath
Bleachin' your teeth, smiling flash
Talking trash, under my window

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me



Pretty much how I feel.  Not too stable about any one desicion, and there's really not too much logic in my mind.  I guess I'm trying to "find myself."  I started to tan, and mabye my logic is that if I'm still the same Michelle afterwards, I'm going to be the same Michelle no matter what.  I've often tried to live by the quote, "If an experiment doesn't work one way, why not change what your doing?"

I think a part of me Died, but it was a part that desperately needed to depart anyways.

I'm starting to understand and relive being a teenage girl.  I missed a lot of that time due to having to grow-up too fast, and now I can finally start to enjoy it.



 

Current Mood: contemplative

12:35 pm - I Find It Amusing To Be Told I'm Nothing...

Current Mood: amused

05:54 pm - Happy Death-Day?...

 ...So, my Daddy died 12 years ago today.






It's sad, but my Momma and I took some pretty flowers to his grave,
and it was nice.





I'm sure he's up in Heaven,
sitting on a big, fancy sailboat, drinking vodka-martinis with
all the friends who passed after him.





So here's to you, Dad,
I've got a vodka-martini in my hand, too,
toasting, as always, to memories of You.

Current Mood: contemplative

11:56 am - There Is No Magic Cure To Make Clean What's Become Impure...

 ...Yeahhhh, that's basically it.


I'm not going to regret the mistakes that I have made as they've got me to where I am today, and even though I'm not sure I like where I am today, or the people I should let go of but can't, or the choices I make that I wish I could control, I wouldn't be the same Michelle if I hadn't let myself make those mistakes.  I never thought the dreams and passions and hates and Loves I have now would ever be a part of me, but they are, and I'm learning to Love that about myself.  I'm learning to Love that about life.  And I'm learning to accept that about everyone else.  No matter how much you care about someone, no matter how deeply their mistakes may wound you, there's nothing you can do but be a pillar they can fall back on if-need-be.

On another note, I met Ruby Red (photographer) yesterday, and she's pretty much amazing.  Her willingness to shoot boldly works well with my crazy (sometimes creepy) ideas.  I'm really excited for our first real shoot.  It's nice to work with a professional.

Then I went and did a shoot for a skool-project for Joe (Gangi's) photography class with him.  He had to get a model to turn out 6 pitures of obvious posing for the camera, and then 6 in the same model's "natural habitat" (lol), which for me was playing with Lucy, smoking a cig, and laughing my ass off in front of Seinfeld.  Woah Woah, Michelle InHell!  It was nighttime though, so the lighting in my apartment sucked ass (that's where we did the pictures, even though there's no electricity on yet, we just used flashlights, which actully made the lighting really eerie.)    

I'm really Loving how comfortable I am with myself lately.

Current Mood: sore

09:42 am - Don't Fall Away, And Leave Me To Myself :-(...

 ...Oh, hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you've left to go?
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries

Don't fall away
And leave me to myself
Don't fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands
Love lies bleeding...




I'm gunna miss you if you leave, Gage.

Current Mood: anxious

02:34 pm - Ode To My Bestttt Friend...

 ...Dear Paul,

I just read your letter- WOW!  I can't believe the nerve of her!  Sarah thought I was a freak?  lol  I already knew that.  But I DO forgive you.  I've been there, done that.  Been so consumed with the people in my life that I let them control me, too.  I'm so proud of you for moving on with your Life.  Sarah and the rest of the girls, I believe, didn't like me when I came to visit because they knew I saw a lot more in you then a "Punching bag."  I wouldn't have come all that way to see you if I did.  You're letter had me in tears- I'm so lucky to be friends with such a wonderful person as you!  I'm sorry I haven't been calling...I've been delayed.  Lots of homework :-/  But I will def. call you soon, prolly this weekend, and I can't wait to come visit you!  And Happy Belated Birthday!  We can go to pubs and clubs now!  lol  We can drink beer!  And you'd better bet your ass I'm still coming to see you this summer!  Woah Woah Shopping!  <333

OxoxoxoxoxoxoxO  -Wicked Witch ;-p

Current Mood: touched

09:40 am - SUFFER FOR YOUR FREEDOM...

 ...How many years have I been alive?  It sure does seem like a Hell of a lot longer.  Think of me Fondly.

Current Mood: sick

06:00 pm - Say Hello To Mythos...

...Tisktisktisk Michelle- You've been neglecting your energy for far too long.

It's time to say hello to the Old Ways again.  It's a dangerous road, but I've traveled it before.  All it takes is a fear of nothing but fear itself.  That's a lesson we should all learn I think.

 

Current Mood: rejuvenated

06:39 pm - Woman Is The Devil; God Is A Fraud...

...I'm so fucking frustrated with everything.  I'm constantly tense and I feel like everything I feel is lacing around me so tightly that bone and sinew are straining to lash out, and the only ones who understand are the last people I want to have faith in.  I don't know when I'll snap.  I feel like I have no control over my Life anymore, and that everything I've worked so hard for has been taken from me and thrown about casually.  It makes me sick.  And I'm done.

Mabye one day the cost of the lesson will be worth the price of the pain.

As for now, I'm trying to find a good place to relax.  For now, I'll try to put aside the Rage and remain Michelle.

Current Mood: frustrated

12:03 pm - Meow Meow ROARRRRR lol...

 ...What a dizzy sort of week.  I've been so busy and I'm going to be uber-busy for like the next month.  Fucking lame.

Going fishing next week though.  Oh yeah!  ;-)  lol  I <3 Fishinggg.  I'm a nerd :-p



Leesa's Dad is a smart fellow btw.  Go Dave!

Current Mood: awake

10:06 am - Who Has To Be Made An Example Of?...

...Because I'm seriously done being cool about being disrespected.

Attention next fucking cunt who wants to fuck with me: I'm going to smash your fucking face in and videotape it for internet broadcasting so that everyone will know what happens to people who think I'm "not going to do anything." Those be fighting words son.

And by the way, only the people I DON'T really give a fuck about are the ones that are going to end up provoking me to break their face. If I really fucking hate you, fighting would be wayyyyyyy too easy. If I really fucking hate you, I'll spend every fucking day thinking of ways to make your Life a living hell. If I really hate you, you've got a lot more to worry about then my kneecap making contact with your face. Put that in your pipe and fucking smoke it. 



I wrote this as a mypsace bulletin and thoguht I'd share my fury.  It has nothing to do with any of you, so...don't fret.  :-)

Current Mood: enraged

03:17 pm - "Only The Insane Equate Pain With Success..."

...They tell me I dissasociate myself from my emotions.



But they never said it was wrong.



Run, Rabbit...RUN.  As far the fuck away as you can get.  All the way down the Rabbit Hole.

Current Mood: numb